My Story with the Cancer

My Story

When I found out I had cancer, I asked myself how I could help as many people as possible through what I was going through. I started sharing my entire process on Facebook with my friends, thinking that my posts could benefit others. In the difficult and good times, unfiltered. And so, presented before you - my cancer diary. All the insights, processes, and difficulties.

April 13, 2020

This is how I told the world about it

My ego so wanted to succeed in solving and healing on its own. But something different is happening here and I have to look at it. While everyone in the world is in the corona world, I'm in a slightly different world...

Two weeks ago I found out I have breast cancer. I went through an amazing process in these two weeks. And I was sure I was healing myself completely. My ego so wants to be "Galit the excellent and strong who heals herself from cancer!". And I got so much help and support from so many amazing people! From top-notch healers! Really! There's nothing to say. And in this process I understand that the cancer came because I wasn't listening to myself enough, that I let my thoughts, my ego, control my body, I went against my nature. And now I have to learn to go with my nature. Only I'm not sure what it is anymore because of all the confusion.

And this ego, the cute one of course, that shouts what it wants to be. And I'm already losing myself.

Something here is part of a very big lesson I'm going through. It doesn't matter if there will be surgery or not, it's a crazy process.

I have to come to terms with medicine. Accept that there's a chance I'll have to have surgery anyway. And the ego is going crazy. Because it so wanted me to be the cool one who heals on her own.

I look at all this from above, from the depths. In the depths, that's not what matters... Whether I do or don't do the surgery, that's not what matters. There's a process and a deepening here that's beyond all that.

I don't know where all this will lead me... And I'll have to find out!

I'm going on a journey following my nature and following a quick recovery for the benefit of everyone I love and will ever love, for the benefit of the wonderful path that still awaits me!

P.S. I was very ashamed to talk about it. And then I realized... I have nothing to be ashamed of! But to share and bring inspiration and healing to everyone and everything possible.

April 14, 2020

Losing control

How do I behave when I have no control? When I'm forced to surrender to what's happening to me.

I wanted to heal myself. I know it's possible. I've seen so many miracle healings happen with my own eyes.

And there's room to let go here. I did everything I could (I think!) and now I'm letting reality continue from here.

To succeed in surrendering to what is. To what's already happening. With curiosity.

I'm curious.

I'm interested in following my reactions, my process. I observe myself with interest and what's happening to me and those around me. The truth? This time of the last two weeks since I found out about the cancer was a really, really good time.

I reached hysterical emotional depths with myself, yes. But most of the time? I was in an amazing mood! Deepening more and more! Connecting to my depths and beyond myself to everything that is! Surrounded by amazing people who support me! I've never felt so vast and open as in the last two weeks. With such an open heart. It's such an exciting process!

And I understand it's not over, that it's still continuing. Even though I really wanted it to be over. But I understand now the meaning of being a "channel". We do what we can best in our eyes. And reality happens. And that's what's happening. And now I have a lesson in surrender.

April 16, 2020

Waking up from surgery

I arrived at the operating room smiling and happy thanks to everyone's support! I'm recovering now, and beyond the physical pain, I feel really happy and joyful. I feel I did the right thing!

The doctors were also very, very pleased with the surgery and it seems there's no spread of the tumor at all, which is a miracle in itself because it was really big, and because the scans did show spread.

I'm glad I said goodbye to it!

A few more weeks I'll recover and there will be final results of course from the biopsy. But it seems everyone's good wishes and prayers helped!! I feel loved and surrounded from all directions by wonderful people! I was lucky!

Thank you all!!!

April 13, 2020

Recovery from surgery

What happens in a moment of release?

I sometimes can't believe it's me. I mean, on a daily basis, yes, I believe it. Actually, I don't think about it. But in recent days something in this perception of myself has really shaken me.

I'm in an experience that I can't reconcile with being me at all, that this is the same one I've always perceived as myself.

After the surgery, on Thursday evening there was a problem that required me to have another surgery. I had just finished one and they put me in another one! The recovery from the anesthesia was very, very difficult for me and I didn't want to again, and I was very, very weak.

I didn't want to go to this surgery at all and for a moment I had feelings of anger and fear and resistance and "why is this happening to me? Why again?!" "Why me?!!!!" And then somehow I let go. I looked at all the people who were running around me and preparing me for surgery, who just a moment ago I wanted them to get away from me, and suddenly I was so excited that so many people were helping me.

Suddenly I felt all your prayers and wishes, all my protection, how surrounded I am by protection. And in a second the feelings of "why me" turned into feelings of huge gratitude and excitement. Endless joy and a feeling that I'm incredibly lucky. And that's how I went into the second surgery that day.

I'm already home now, I was discharged home and it's so joyful! Of course! But it's also hard. Because suddenly I realize it's real, the coping with the pains and with the strange change I experienced in my breasts (which I'll probably write about later when I have more courage to look at them at all). The coping with everything I experienced and with the recovery has become real. Because I'm home now and I understand it will take time. And the same thing that broke me two weeks ago, the deep understanding that my body is temporary, that anything could happen to it, that same understanding strengthens me now. What a luck that everything is temporary and that all this will be behind me sometime.

And also, strangely, I'm really happy I'm going through this.

בטח, הנה תרגום לאנגלית של הטקסט שסיפקת:

19.4.2020

Fear

There are many scary things in the world that don't affect me like hearing that forbidden word. And it's not just me! Why are we so afraid of the word cancer? What's so scary about that word?

That word still scares me very, very much. The subconscious knows how to input what needs to be feared for survival. For example, I'm afraid of lions to know how to run away from a lion. "So if I know cancer is dangerous," the subconscious tells itself, "I'll know how to avoid it." But... that's not true, actually, even the opposite.

Why?

Because when I'm afraid of something, I strengthen its energy every time it's around (advertisement, conversation, Facebook, etc.) and keep my energy alert every time the word is heard. Because I'm a conscious person, the invested energy is even higher. Trying to convince myself not to think about it, to think about the opposite, to do all sorts of manipulations so the thought doesn't enter my head. And of course, if I ask you not to think about a pink elephant, you will... yes, think about a pink elephant.

So the brain's natural tendency to go into alert and fear so we know to run away from predators in time hurts us in this reality and strengthens thoughts that bring us down. Every thought in a cage of "it's bad," and that's how it's very hard to look at it as it is.

I never thought I would deal with this. But hey, now I have to. I have to look cancer in the eye. And see it as it is. The fears are not related to it; I brought in the low energy. Cancer is on its own. I went through a very nice befriending process with my tumor before the surgery. And I thanked it for everything I received. And still, that word brings me a lot of fear, and I couldn't see the whole picture and all the gift I received from this process because of the fog of fear.

If it's bad, scary, dangerous, terrible, tragic, hysterical, that's what we choose. Because life is life and death is death, and everything else is our choice...

23.4.2020

Connection to the body

I used to be disconnected from my body. I felt that my body was a limitation that bothered me. That I only used it because I had no choice. I didn't let myself really be part of it. I felt that all of life here on this ball was somewhere far from me, that I wasn't from here. I felt foreign. I tried not to feel foreign; I tried really hard to pretend I was the most part. But I didn't feel part. And I was full of anger at my very existence in the world. Yes, it sounds strange, but deep down, I felt it, I felt floating somewhere far away.

With ThetaHealing, I managed to connect more and more to my body and more and more to agree to be here. But still, it was a very big effort for me.

I received my strongest lesson in recent weeks when I found out I have a huge and dangerous cancerous tumor in my breast. And I realized that because of the late discovery, it needs to be removed from my body as quickly as possible. And that meant having a mastectomy.

I was angry at my body that it created such a thing. I was angry that I couldn't heal myself with my healing powers. I was frustrated. I realized I was going to say goodbye to part of my body. A part I love very much in my body, especially as a young woman.

I realized how attached I am to my body. How I hang my happiness on my body. In Buddhism, this is called "taking refuge." I noticed that I take full refuge in my body. Hanging all of myself on a full connection to my body. A huge attachment.

And what did I do? I was angry at myself.

I was angry at myself for this very attachment. I tried to release my grip on my body. And at some point, I realized it stemmed from an attempt to escape and not from deepening. Again, an attempt not to acknowledge that I live here in this body and that it's important to me. It forced me to deepen and examine my relationship with my body.

The day before the surgery, I decided to have a ceremony. I gathered a group of amazing women for a Zoom meeting and had a farewell ceremony for my breasts. Actually, it was a ceremony of connecting to my feminine essence. In the ceremony, I connected to my energy body, to the energy power of my feminine body.

I cried a lot, because I had to mourn... and I mourned. I accepted that it was simply very sad for me to say goodbye to part of my body. And I connected to my feminine energy essence. There was power and release in it. Because that's the situation, that's what's happening.

After the surgery, when I woke up full of terrible pains, nausea, and vomiting, suddenly something strange is stuck where my chest used to be. It's really strange... it forces me to rediscover my relationship with my body. To agree to be here. To agree to my body being a wonderful thing that I'm part of, to discover and learn how to release to a new detachment and love with the body.

I'm starting to learn now. And it's really strange.

25.4.2020

Agreeing to receive love

Many times, I feel that if I make a change or something else, I won't be loved anymore. Even before the surgery, I noticed this pattern. This desire to please others and the feeling that I have to work hard for it. Funny, right? Love is not an emotion that can be created or not created intentionally. It simply exists, and that's it.

Something in the need to please others is softening in me. Still exists but much, much less, it's joyful. I ask myself what I'm taking from this whole story? From this whole experience? So at least this - to accept my nature and rejoice in the immense love I've always received and receive. Just rejoice in it. Whether it will be or not is not in my hands at all.

Before the surgery, there's a stage where you go to a plastic surgeon who explains the whole process. I was totally out of it; I had no idea. And after I got back from him and realized the process would be long, that it would take time until the reconstruction is complete, that my breasts would be smaller and that I simply wouldn't look exactly like I did before.

I broke down.

I got home and cried to my dad like a little baby. Hysterical crying. I begged him not to do this surgery (as if he could decide anything in this situation). I broke into pieces. And my dad told me, "Everyone will love you, don't worry," and then I realized I was crying because I was afraid they would stop loving me.

I was actually afraid that because my boobs would be smaller and a little strange, they wouldn't love me. I wasn't afraid of the tumor, I wasn't afraid to die, I was afraid of being rejected.

So one of my biggest lessons here is to stop trying to please and get love but to simply rejoice in the love I do receive. And luckily, I receive a lot of it!

30.4.2020

The decision to do chemo

Only now do I understand the meaning of accepting what is.

It's not to surrender, no. Nor to be indifferent,

But to say, no matter what it is

"Come on! I'm on it! I'm going through it like a champ"

A few days ago, the doctor told me I would probably need to have chemo too. I started fighting inside myself. To be angry, to be disappointed, to cry bitterly, "why does this happen to me."

Today I decided, if I'm doing it, then like the surgery. When I went into it with "come on! With all my heart! That's what is, and I'm here with all my heart! I believe in myself, in the universe and in what is and surrender to the experience, to the here and now with huge joy," that's how I was in the hospital before and after the surgery in severe pains and joy in my heart.

And then I realized. I can be like that, about everything in life. Life? Dilemmas? Worries? Fears?! Come on! I'm coming! With all my heart! We'll deal, we'll live and experience everything that happens. Because that's what's happening now, and that's it. Wow. What a release.

02.05.2020

Me and my hair

Because of the type of cancer that could have already spread without us knowing at all and without being visible in the scans, the doctors recommend chemotherapy.

So here it is. The thing that scares me the most in this world is to be left without hair. My hair (at least in my opinion) is my source of power. Like Samson the hero. The only source of power, it should be noted. And if they take it from me, I'll be left with no source of power. Who will I be without the curls?

I'm not even talking about how scary and stressful it is to see someone without hair, and I really don't want to be her and don't want to be identified with this disease in this way. I'm talking about my deep and even slightly obsessive relationship with my hair that I'm simply in love with, no less. How will I be without it? Without my beloved hair?

I understand I have a very serious lesson here about attachment, about letting go of grip, about learning to accept what is. And I'm deepening in this lesson more and more. I'm not my body, and I'm not my hair, I'm beyond all that. And it's very important that my body is healthy so I can let it shine our light (mine and my body's). And I'm learning to release all the grips I have.

It's like cleaning the closet, when you take everything out and then for a moment the room is even more messy. And people who don't like to clean (like me) are frustrated for a moment by the situation and then realize, "well, there's no choice, I have to clean the room now," and I start cleaning and tidying up. And in the end, it's tidy.

I'm in that stage now. All the clothes are out, and I've only started folding a little. All my fears are running around and materializing in my imagination and in reality (after all, I'm after surgery where they removed an organ I was also very attached to). And every time, I give space to the sorrow and the pain. I writhe again in a baby's cry, and when it passes, a new place is revealed. Something asks to grow more and more. To release from all the grips, from all the ideas, from all the conceptions, from all the thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. To release.

I once wrote a song whose ending is like this:

"Stubbornly, strongly release the journey from your back

In the place that hurts wings will grow for you

Fly high far and fast"

And I have no idea what will be.

03.05.2020

Suffering and Control

There's no reason for suffering. There are situations where we have no control. And we interpret them as suffering. But suffering is just an interpretation. What is, is what is. Pain, fear, joy... that's what is, and it will also pass, because everything passes.

So there's no reason for suffering. Only when we want too much, when there are dreams, hopes, and desires (who said all our dreams are really right for us?), then there's suffering. Because when we achieve what we wanted, we're happy for a moment and then start to fear losing it or get bored and find something else to suffer because of its absence or lose it and then suffer because of the loss.

In short. There's no reason to suffer. That's the conclusion I came to today. I strive to be in what is. Today I had a moment of madness and hysterical fear of the future, which is not known at all. The fear itself is based on various speculations and ego ideas about what should be in life. Madness that stemmed from the feeling that something was taken from me. (As if I ever had it)

And then I realized, I'm learning a lesson here: not to speculate, not to plan for the future, not to decide how life should be. I'm learning to live the life that's happening now with complete knowledge that everything, everything is temporary.

So to dedicate all my thoughts, feelings, and fears to something that might happen, and if it happens, will pass anyway, is really a bit funny.

06.05.2020

Between Conventional and Alternative Medicine

"Conventional medicine" is not the system. It's a collection of many people, all sorts, more pleasant, less pleasant, smarter, and less. Like everywhere else. Medicine is people. Medical treatment is completely natural because it's done on people's children and by materials that humans created to help and not by aliens. (What's natural anyway? All our lives are not natural at all anyway, and I certainly wouldn't have survived past the age of one in a system from 80 years ago).

What's the problem? The problem is when you generalize. When people think there's only one way. Then a problem starts. Then it becomes a system. To create a faceless being. And that's very sad for me no matter where it comes from.

I come from "alternative" medicine, but I didn't get there because I was looking for an alternative to something, no. I got there because I was looking for the best way to help people. The best way for me to help people that my way would suit them.

All healing is healing; there's nothing better or worse.

I know how to do ThetaHealing, and I've helped so many people and myself, and I'll continue to help. And someone else studied medicine and recently saved my life. Please beware of generalizations, of ideology, of ideas. All these things limit us, cloud us, and prevent us from progressing.

I've already written about how it's not easy for the ego of a ThetaHealing therapist to go to medicine for cancer treatment. I think 80% of the pain I experienced was around this place of going for something my ego doesn't want. But the ego is a dangerous thing, and you shouldn't listen to it. The ego is made up of ideas. And as I said, ideas are problematic, because they don't say anything, and yet we perceive them as absolute truth.

I have a lot of "luck":

They found my cancer in time (thanks to my intuition and thanks to the corona that shortened waiting lists), my family had the necessary connections to go to the right doctors, the best doctors in the field were available to me and arranged for me quickly all the possible tests, and within two weeks I did tests that take half a year to do, I received surgery in a wonderful and private hospital, and all through the general health fund. Everything worked out from heaven!

One more day, and maybe the cancer would have reached the lymph nodes, and from there the story is much more complicated. But it didn't get there. And everything worked out for me in a cosmic and quick way.

Just because it was in regular medicine doesn't mean it wasn't a miracle healing, of unconditional love, of everything that is, of nature. Reality works in different ways, and we can't know what's right and what's not. I felt every moment that the light in my heart was leading my healing process from cancer. And before I went into surgery, I felt the powerful presence of everything that is.

Today I went to the oncology department to check the place where I'll have chemo. When I met the oncologist, I was simply moved. She's an amazing woman who so wants to help, she cared about my hair (which surprised me), she was so sensitive and supportive, and I felt how much she as a person wanted to help me. What crazy luck that I fell on her. When I stood there in the department and saw around me many people having chemo, I wasn't afraid; I felt excitement of healing.

10.05.2020

About this moment

Yesterday a friend visited me, and we had a regular conversation, just about life. We started thinking what will happen after the corona and after all the madness, what life will look like, what we'll do... and I started to get stressed. I got into real stress and a feeling of oppression. Suddenly I saw myself and my life through fear. Fear that I don't make enough money, that I'm not in a relationship, that everything is unclear and confused, and I felt I had nothing to hold on to. It confused me so much. And then I realized - the thoughts about what's expected of me, about life, about the future... all these thoughts prevent me from being in this moment.

All this time, I'm simply in presence. I'm in awareness and observation of my experience. I don't think about the future and don't deal with what people think of me and how things should be. The disease gives me a kind of permission to get out of the race, and I'm simply observing what exists here now. This situation brings me to an experience of supreme happiness. Yes, I cry a lot, and I have fears and stresses. But my overall experience is simply boundless joy that has no cells and reasons. Simply because I'm here and now in this moment, and that's it. Full of gratitude and joy for all the love and support around me.

Why do I need this excuse? Why do I need any disease to decide that I'm simply not in this race? I can simply decide that I'm always all my life in the here and now. After all, what's the whole point of everything we do? To be happy, right? So here I am happy simply because. Isn't that enough?

30.05.2020

Right before starting chemo

Monday I start chemo, super excited. Yes, actually excited, a new adventure, curious to discover how I'll react and what will be, happy to take another step on the way to my full recovery. I have a friend who comes to Israel from Russia for treatments, where it's very difficult to get good treatment and very difficult to pay for it.

Here? We have everything, everything in the basket, and we're one of the most advanced countries in the world in the field of cancer treatment. Not only that, we're also a country where the field of alternative treatment is incredibly developed. What can I say? Apparently, many people in Israel want to heal and help...

Anyway, what luck that I was born here and that this medicine is accessible to me. It's so rare and valuable! How many times have you said thank you for being privileged to be born in a developed Western country?

Anyway,

Wish me luck!

06.06.2020

Looking for culprits

Why do humans like to look for culprits? There are no culprits. That's the absolute truth. I, as someone who practices Buddhism, believe everything that happens is a direct result of my actions in the past. That we actually create our reality. Those who believe in God or cosmic forces can believe that God creates the existing situation. Those who don't believe in anything can think, see what exists, and say: that's what is, now what do we do?

But the tendency of all humans and mine too, of course, to look for culprits is destructive, also a bit amusing.

I notice it a lot especially now that I'm sick with a disease that in principle according to science it's not clear where it stems from and you can't blame anyone for it. And yet I find many people looking for who to blame in the situation they're in or looking for who to blame in the situation I'm in. And then I say... it's absurd! No one created this situation for us!

When they found my cancer, it was already after a whole year in which I walked around with a lump in my breast, I went to three doctors and two ultrasound tests when every doctor I came to said it looked like a regular hormonal cyst as happens to many women my age. One even said "it's not cancer" in those exact words. So for a whole year I walked around. Until one day I insisted enough to go for an MRI and biopsy.

I tell this story and see how everyone is looking to tell me how the doctors I went to were wrong, how guilty they are.

And I simply don't have this feeling that they did something wrong, they did what they understand according to their knowledge and experience. Something (my karma or my belief system or the universe or God, whatever you decide) brought me to them specifically. And even if there's no deep reason why it had to be discovered now specifically, that's what happened. And looking for culprits in it is a crazy waste of energy and anger.

And it's weakening energy. Looking for culprits, blame, it's very, very weakening energy and I generally recommend in life to get rid of it and this habit of looking for culprits.

There are never culprits in anything. Don't look for them. It's not relevant and it's killing you from the inside!

Not the teacher yelled at you in first grade, not your mother who's so comfortable to blame on the psychologist's couch. There's no one who's guilty and nothing. There's the ability of every person to choose whether to take responsibility for their life or not. Sometimes taking responsibility is putting someone in jail just like taking responsibility is having chemotherapy, I'm not saying. But it's not from a place of guilt but of responsibility.

Our choice is whether to make choices in our lives or not. And of course we don't control what brought us here because it's already passed, but we have a choice in what will be with us in the future. The doctors who didn't diagnose me didn't create my cancer. They did what they did and understand and I believed them even though I knew, by the way, that I shouldn't. And that's what happened. No one is guilty. Guilt removes responsibility.

Taking responsibility is deciding what to do. Choosing to develop, to change. And to work with what is. And from garbage you can make fertilizer.

20.06.2020

The difference between pain and suffering

The problem starts when there's an idea that everything should be good. Always.

The moment we think everything should always be good and fear any change, any change becomes much more painful. I had a hard week.

After the third time of chemo I started to really feel the side effects. I had very strong stomach pains, I couldn't leave the house, I felt really bad. And I just rested. One friend told me "you're allowed to pity yourself" and another told me "you're allowed to rest" and it gave me a lot of strength in those days. Because I agreed for moments to sink into it. But all the time I had bells in my head of fighting the situation, and trying to fix it. And most of the time I suffered.

But now I understand something.

There's a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is pain. And it's not pleasant and it's in its own name. Suffering stems from the expectation that something will be different. My suffering stemmed from the expectation that things would be as I decided.

And I sat down now, and asked myself to simply let go. Really let go, all the muscles, all the thoughts, everything. I let go. And then actually, in this letting go I realize there's nothing beyond the moment of what's happening now.

To expect life to be in a straight line, without problems? That's really, really funny. Because there are always glitches in life! Everything is constantly changing and never as we expected. And it's amazing that I who knows this in my head still expects everything to be as I want. Something in accepting it, all the shocks, because that's simply what happens in this life. Something in that is calming. I stop fighting the pains and simply experience what's happening. And that's the situation and that's it. And it's really logical that in life there are also situations that are less pleasant for my body. So I thank from the bottom of my heart for my privilege to go through these treatments that ensure I'll be healthier in the future.

27.06.2020

I cut my hair

I release control and surrender to the flow of love that will heal me

I cut my hair. I tried to fight the situation and walked around with dreadlocks of dead hair that hurt me and itched just to not admit that I'm in this situation. That I'm having chemo and that's what's happening. All my hair turned into one huge unbearable dreadlock. And I realized that everything I fight, hold on to, breaks. So maybe the only logical thing to do is to stop holding on. To let go of control. To accept the situation, the game I entered and I'm in.

Here, I also lost my hair. My favorite thing in my body, something I have a huge connection to simply left me. It's like a breakup. Actually, not like, it's really a breakup for me - and that's the situation.

11.07.2020

Everything changes

When the body changes so much, and the thoughts change so much, and the fears are different, and the dreams change, and the desires change completely... then in this situation it should be much easier to really and simply understand that all the thoughts, desires, dreams and even not the body... all these are not us.

And yet, like a repeating movie, I fall into this trap again and again and again believe that I am my body, my thoughts, my fears, my dreams, my desires...

24.07.2020

And sometimes it just hurts

The truth is I'm really tired. I'm simply exhausted from this whole situation and I want it all to be over. I have 5 weeks left until the end of chemo and it feels like a lot. And I have nothing smart to say about it, I'm simply exhausted and that's it.

I fluctuate between a feeling of victimhood and a feeling of soul elevation. And for about two weeks now it's been hard for me to get out of the victimhood. Today I realized I don't need either this or that. I compassionately approach this place in me, which like a crying little child simply wants attention. And I give it the compassion and love.

So when it hurts me and I'm sad... I can also simply hug myself, even be sad or frustrated. I'm learning that this is also allowed.

04.09.2020

Cancer awakens us to deep inner healing.

And as one cancer cell in the body indicates something that asks to change in the whole body and soul, so a person who has cancer in your environment indicates a change that their whole environment asks to go through. And all it takes is to take the opportunity with both hands.

Yes, you heard right. Cancer is a huge opportunity.

I felt it after they removed the tumor that held in my feeling eons upon eons of fear, pain, and anger. There is no person who doesn't know someone who has or had cancer. You all definitely know because you know me! Will we open our eyes to see the light that the cancerous tumors ask to show through the people who carry or carried them? Will we learn as a society the lessons that cancers teach us all? Maybe that way slowly this epidemic, the real medical epidemic that has been in the world for years, maybe that way it will stop.

14.09.2020

29.10.2020

The most predictable is unpredictable

Life is a journey. Whoever goes on a journey and expects a calm plain and wonderful weather all the way will be quickly disappointed. On the journey there are ups and downs, it's a cliché everyone knows. But have you applied this cliché to your lives? How many times were you disappointed and angry when something went wrong, didn't happen as planned? And I'm not just talking about fateful situations like cancer diagnosis or the death of a loved one. I'm also talking about small moments in life - a sudden traffic jam causing lateness to an important meeting, an important object that gets lost, a petty report and more and more and more. Life is full of unplanned moments on a daily basis. And yet somehow we react every time with complete surprise when something moves off its track.

How many people are afraid of this situation, that something will move from their original plan. And yet life is meant to move from the original plans, meant to surprise, excite and interest. Every moment in life is a moment, without good or bad, simply this moment. Any deviation from the plan is only logical and even predictable. Yes, what's unpredictable is actually predictable because it's simply not logical that life will look exactly as we planned. And these small deviations, if we approach them with curiosity, without good or bad, bring pleasant and exciting surprises even a difficult and extreme deviation like cancer.

21.11.2020

Life is beautiful

I used to think that to be in love I needed someone to be in love with. But lately I just feel in love, without any real objective reason! One day I drove with my dad to the hospital to get a biological treatment that I still need to get every few weeks. It's not pleasant, not fun. And objectively - a drive to Ashdod is just a regular drive without anything special. But I felt huge happiness, just like that from the inside, and I said to my dad - "Wow! Life is so beautiful!" And then I caught myself... and I thought to myself how strange it is that this is my spontaneous thought on the way to the hospital! And it happens to me from time to time. Just a feeling of happiness that fills me without any reason. Huge happiness like when you fall in love!

And it's so much fun for me!

I'm learning from this that suffering and happiness are both in our heads, and nothing external can affect our life experience for long.

Only our thoughts, everything is in the head.

While I'm writing these lines, my body - it's not feeling good. I have hot flashes and the biological drug also affects in waves of hot flashes and nausea. And yet. My feeling is happiness and joy. Even though I don't feel physically well.

29.11.2020

I turned chemo into a hangout

Smells are a very, very powerful thing. So I still come every few weeks to the hospital to get biological treatment. It's much shorter and easier than everything I went through with chemotherapy. But it's the same hospital in the same department. And I sit here and feel such mixed feelings about this place, and the strong smells bring me back to the long days I spent here. And it's confusing... because it's also pain, and it's also a fun and quality hangout with friends who came to be with me, and it's my mom and sister, and it's the nice nurses I'm happy to see... and around the beeps of the machines... and it's very cold here... and I see people connected to IVs and I'm happy that I don't have to get medicine through a vein anymore!

And it's a place I like to come to. And it also marks something unpleasant

I realized that I managed to turn something really terrible into something fun! When I started chemo I decided it would be an experience! And so it was! Every week a friend came with me that I was very happy to see and we spent the time in meaningful and deep conversations. We ate ice cream almost at the end of every chemo day (except when I felt bad...), and we also ate sushi at every chemo. And I also decided that these treatments are not poison as people like to say, but I decided that the chemical drug cleanses me, purifies me, and from everything I will grow newer and stronger. I meditated at the beginning of each treatment and surrendered. And so, I made sure that this experience that objectively is not fun, would be fun!

And I'm so proud of myself!

I said I would do it, and so I did!